The Ambassador's Mission Impossible
by RonanTadhg
Summary: Yeah I'm doing a spoof... please don't hate me! It's full to the brim with TAM spoilers and randomness! Rated just in case
1. Blurb

_So yeah! I did a spoof! Please no one hit me *cowers* I'm planning to do it chapter by chapter and I solemnly swear I will not stop 'til it's completed. Oh and it has TAM spoilers. SPOILERS. You couldn't get something with more spoilers even if you tried. Literally._

_And I don't own Black Magician Trilogy, Traitor Spy Trilogy or The Magician's Apprentice, in case that wasn't previously clear..._

**Blurb of Tantalisation**

As the son of the late High Lord Akkarin, saviour of the city, super hero and twice voted torso of the year, and Sonea, former street urchin turned main character, Lorkin desperately wants to something useful with his life and become a super special hero who'll go down in history forever. So when Lord Dannyl becomes Guild Ambassador to Sachaka, Lorkin volunteers in the hope of finding fame or at least some Fangirls.

But when news arrives that Lorkin is in danger (and this news WILL arrive) Sonea has to rely on Dannyl to get him out of trouble using only incredible tallness and well-placed quips. She has to concentrate on helping Cery catch the magic-using Thief Hunter, who is clearly not going to turn out to be the most blatantly obvious suspect.

Let the games begin!


	2. The Old and The New Plotlines

The Old and The New Plotlines

Sometimes, at the beginning of a Trudi Canavan novel, there is a paragraph with something poetic in it. Something about Imardin. This information never comes up again. But it. Always. Seems. Very. Dramatic. At the. Beginning.

Cery paced through the streets, randomly killing muggers and filling in as much back story as he could. He was a thief. Not a normal thief. The city had new quarters. There was a thief hunter. He'd helped Akkarin find the spies. Sonea ran some hospices. The Thieves couldn't work together anymore. Oh yeah and Gol had been promoted from faceless henchman to actual character.

"So, any idea why this guy lured you here?" rumbled Gol.

"I dunno. I expect he has innocent intentions. A bit like Faren being dead."

"What's that gotta do with anything?"

"Just filling in the backstory, Gol."

Skellin stepped out of the shadows. He was cackling evilly. "Hello Cery. So glad you agreed to be lured here on innocent pretences."

"Anytime. I survived this long in the Thieves by not being overly suspicious. So, what can I do ya for?"

Skellin shrugged, foreignly. "My name is Skellin. I'm foreign, by the way."

"We already knew those things."

"I thought I should reinforce them."

"Your funeral. So, what do you want?"

"Information on the thief hunter."

"Oh. Why?"

"Um. The good of mankind?"

"Somehow I don't believe you."

"I do, I swear. The good of mankind."

"That doesn't seem entirely plausible."

"Well I don't have an ulterior motive, alright?"

"I never said you did."

"It's not like I'M THE THIEF HUNTER or anything."

"Alright..."

"And neither's my mum."

"Your mum?"

"Yeah. My mum. In case you were wondering. She's not. Either."

"Um. Okay then."

"Hey Cery?"

"Yeah?"

"Wanna sell cocai- I mean, roet, for me?"

"No."

"Okay. Hey Cery?"

"Yeah."

"Do you know Black Magician Sonea?"

"Yeah, but-"

"Can you get me her autograph?"

"...I'm gonna go ahead and leave now, Skellin."

Cery wandered away from the meeting with Gol, shaking his head. "What a fruitcake."

"Hey look, it's Neg."

Neg ran up to them, panting. "Hey Cery?"

"Yes Neg?"

"You know your hideout you pay me to guard?"

"Yes Neg."

"And your family you pay me to protect?"

"Yes Neg?"

"Well, your hideout got broken into and your family are dead."

"Screw you, Neg."


	3. Questionable Characters

_Our confusing tale continues..._

**Questionable Characters**

Sonea woke up to find Cery watching her as she slept. She sat up quickly.

"Cery! I thought we got over this disturbing infatuation of yours in the first trilogy!"

Cery pouted. "There was a time you used to like men who watched you sleep."

Sonea felt some backstory tugging at her mind, but it wasn't yet time to bring that up. "That was different. He had an award winning torso. So, what's up?"

"I could have an award winning torso."

"Sure you could."

"I could."

"Hey, sure, whatever. Get back to topic, please."

"Sometimes, I wish the purge hadn't stopped."

"Haven't your problems got more to do with cocai- I mean, roet?"

"I guess," Cery replied, suddenly full of angst.

"Why are you suddenly full of angst?"

"My whole family are dead."

Sonea nodded sympathetically. "We all have bad days." She felt the backstory tugging at her mind again. Not time yet. "Even your daughter by a different baby momma?"

"Oh, no, not her. Good point. Well, bye now."

Finally, Sonea was left free to explore her backstory. She went up to the graveyard to remind the reader of an awful lot of stuff to do with black magic and Akkarin, and their bizarrely named son. Just then, Rothen showed up, his face a mask of worry.

"Rothen, why are you wearing that stupid mask again?"

"Sorry." He took it off and threw it in a stream. "So, I hear you're planning to kick Regin's ass in this petition about poor novices."

"Nah."

"Why not?"

"I'm too busy remembering Akkarin's final act of heroism."

"Oh. But you do that every day. And I thought you loved kicking Regin's ass."

"I do. But I prefer to store all my anger inside, where it slowly becomes a crippling mental illness."

"Righty ho."

Lorkin sat in a strip bar with his cast of many unimportant friends, with many, unimportant names. Just then Lorkin's Friend 1's cousin walked in.

She was the most beautiful woman Lorkin had ever seen.

"Anyone fancy a line- I mean, some roet?" asked Lorkin's Friend 2.

"Do they really keep slaves in Sachaka?" asked Lorkin's Friend 1's cousin.

"They do," said Lorkin's Friend 1. "But they don't belong to us. We keep the moral high ground against slavery by taking complete advantage of the slaves, without actually having to pay for them."

"Ah yes... Of course," said Lorkin's Friend 3.

"I wish I could do something useful with my life and become a super special hero who'll go down in history forever," said Lorkin.

Just then, Beriya walked in.

She was the most beautiful woman Lorkin had ever seen.

"Hey Lorkin," she giggled. "Remember when I broke your heart and taught you not to trust a woman just because she's beautiful?"

Lorkin laughed. "Ha! You'd think I'd have learnt that lesson, wouldn't you? But no, somehow I don't think I have. Good day to you all!"

Lorkin walked back to the Guild, pausing only to notice several of the most beautiful women he'd ever seen on the way, and propose marriage to two of them. He was watching one of them walk away when he bumped into a tall magician heading the other direction.

"Argh!"

"Eep!"

Lorkin sighed and looking up at the other magician, who was so tall his face was hard to make out through the clouds. "Sorry, I was thinking about proposing to people. Obviously I can't propose to you. Ha. Ha."

"Well, you could."

"I don't think I should, people might write slash fics about it."

"I'm used to people writing slash fics about me," Dannyl shrugged, tall-ly. "Wanna hear all about my research?"

"Sounds boring. Will it offer me the chance to do something useful with my life and become a super special hero who'll go down in history forever?"

"Probably not. You might almost get killed by a cave full of jewellery, though."

"Sounds super special to me. Let's go."


	4. Safe Places, Dangerous Fangirls

**Safe Places, Dangerous Fangirls**

"His desk is always covered in chewing gum," said Tayend, taking a swig from a handy bottle of wine. Dannyl considered how Tayend's Botox had really smoothed out the lines on this face. _Maybe I should get some Botox too. Especially if I want to remain a main character in this trilogy._

"I guess it's because he doesn't have any blue tack," added Tayend, before cartwheeling out of the room.

Lorkin looked uncertainly at Dannyl's desk, and the three books that sat amongst the chewing gum.

"There's a method to the maaaadness," said Dannyl, crouching to avoid hitting his head on the ceiling and holding up a copy of _The Novice. _"This one has all the information about the Tomb of the White tears, and the ruined city of Armje." He held up a copy of _The High Lord. _"And this one has all the stories of the Ichani invasion."

"Even my mother's?"

"Especially hers."

Lorkin picked up a copy of _The Magician's Apprentice. _"What about this one?"

"I never got around to reading that one. I'm sure it doesn't have any very important information in it."

"Could I help you with your research? I think it might help me become a super special hero who'll go down in history forever."

Dannyl wasn't sure. It might be helpful to have someone to help him. On the other hand, he had apparently already read ever book in the Allied Lands, so there wasn't much to help him with these days. He was going to have to go to Sachaka soon; he would've gone sooner, but whenever he had adventures caves full of jewellery tended to attack him and reveal his latent sexuality. Besides, Lorkin had a really annoying face.

"Dannyl? You've been staring out the window for the last half an hour."

"Oh. Sorry."

"So... Can I help you?"

"Yeah whatever kid."

"Great. This is gonna be super special cool."

Dannyl gave him a funny look. "Bye bye now, Lorkin."

The other reason he hadn't gone to Sachaka was that Tayend couldn't come to carry his bags. Tayend's application to go to Sachaka would probably be turned down because he loved showtunes and tended to jump on people without warning. _But who says my application won't be turned down for the same reasons?_

Their relationship was in trouble. Dannyl had hoped to keep it all a secret, but ever since he had spent twenty years living with a flamboyant pretty boy, other people in Kyralia had inexplicably started suspecting that he was gay. Also, he hated Tayend's friends. _And obviously, no other couple in the history of time has ever had this problem before, so I'm gonna assume it means it's time to leave the country. _

One thing was for certain; he was going to Sachaka and leaving Tayend behind. And the Fangirls were not going to be happy about it. Not happy at all.

She hadn't gotten any taller since he last saw her, which was just as well, because Cery only came up to her waist anyway. He watched her at her stall, from which she was selling sharpened spoons to a crowd of customers.

"Gol, send her in to see me and make sure her stall is watched."

"Okay."

"And by 'watched' I mean, steal it all."

"Right."

"Do it right or I'll demote you back down to faceless henchman."

Gol grumbled something and wandered off.

"You!" yelled Anyi when she was led in to see her father.

"Yes, me," agreed Cery, glad they were on the same page, IQ-wise. "I know you probably have a lot of questions-"

"You bet I do! Child Support have been after you!"

"Yes, I- wait, what?"

"Child support! Have you any idea how many Maintenance payments you missed?"

"Um..."

"You are in SO much trouble when they find you!"

Cery gulped. Even the Thieves were afraid of the Child Support Agency. "Um..."

"I'm gonna go tell them right now that I've found you."

"No! Erm... you must go into hiding, immediately!"

"What?"

"Hiding. You must go. Into it."

"Why?"

"Your own safety."

"And this isn't just a trick to stop me from calling Child Support."

"Ha, ha, obviously not, ha."

"Riiight."


	5. Dubious Commitments

_(The chapter they tried to ban! If by 'they' you mean Dannyl and Tayend Fangirls. :D )_

**Dubious Commitments**

"Ha ha, you're poor!"

"Well you're rich!"

"Well, you're poor!"

"Nargh!

"Nargh!"

"Hey! Stop fighting you guys!" yelled Lorkin's Friend 4.

"Screw you!" shouted the novices, running away.

"It's great to have the novices' respect," beamed Lorkin's Friend 4, sitting down.

Lorkin sat down next to him, nodding, as they were joined by an assortment of other characters.

"Did you hear?" asked Lorkin's Friend 1. "Lord Maron, the old Guild Ambassador to Sachaka has resigned, so I can't go back."

"You could still go back anyway?" suggested Lorkin's Friend 4.

"Can't." Lorkin's Friend 1 slapped Lorkin's Friend 3 on the head. "It's implied this idiot has bought shame on my family."

"Oi!"

"You knocked up the maid!"

"Good point."

"Anyways, as indicated in the last chapter, Lord Dannyl has volunteered."

"Maybe he wants to be gay there! Hur hur, get it?"

Lorkin's Friend 1 slapped Lorkin's Friend 3 on the head again. "Yeah, real witty. I wonder if anyone will volunteer to help him? I mean, there's a huge risk they'd end up involved in slash fanfiction."

"I'd do it," grinned Lorkin.

Lorkin's Friend 3 giggled. "Coz you're a lad, hur hur."

"A lad?"

Lorkin's Friend One nodded. "Yeah, despite all cultural evidence to the contrary, Elynes' apparently use slang from Scotland."

"Oh. Well I'm not. Gay. I think. Am I?"

"Life would be simpler if you were."

"Huh?"

"You proposed to more than ten women this morning."

"They were the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen."

"All of them?"

In the Magician's Guild, there was a lot of architecture. Some of it was old and made of ornately carved stone, and some of it was wooden and- does anyone actually read this bit? What if I just write random words? Stone high ornate crocodile fluffy baker judge magician ruby magic table covered juice train ceiling fireplace wine foot Osen candle crooked smile passport tree frame coal purple slurple durple wurple and that's where the Higher Magicians were standing.

"Lord, um, Spindel-"

"Pendel."

"Right, yeah, Spendel." Lord Balkan was busy trying to clean a curry stain off his white robes. "Go ahead."

"Um, well," Pendel looked at his notes. "Basically, um, it's clearly kinda stupid that it's illegal for the poorer novices to mix with their own families because they are 'of low repute'-"

"Your mother's a ho!" yelled someone in the crowd.

"Exactly! And how am I supposed to give her a traditional mother's day rat, that's what I want to know."

"Thank you, Lord Panda. Oh, could you possibly polish my shoes, while you're up?"

"High Lord Balkan, just because I'm common born-"

"Don't skimp on the polish, Penguin, there's a good man. Now, I call Lord Regin McMoneybags to speak for the opposition."

As Regin limped up to the stand, Sonea cackled.

"What?" asked Rothen.

"I put scorpions in his knickers this morning."

"Nicely done."

Regin shuffled his notes. "Basically, poor people are all quite dodgey-"

"Here here!"

"-and while I don't hate them as much as I once did-"

"Booo!"

"-they can still be dangerous, especially if they are left in charge of a large number of scorpions."

"Indeed!"

"Furthermore, I- my pants are on fire! Argh! Holy Anuren it burns, it burns like the heat of a thousand suns-" Regin ran out of the room, aflame.

"Heh heh heh." Sonea rubbed her hands together, grinning.

"Why do you always have to target his knickers?" Rothen took a couple of stress pills. "Look, never mind. Did you know Lorkin was going to Sachaka with Dannyl?"

"WHAT?"

"Look, I know it's worrying after how many Ichani you and Akkarin killed, but-"

"Never mind the Ichani! Has he even STOPPED to CONSIDER how many slash fics will be written about him now? I have to stop him! There'll be Fangirls all over the lawn, our reputation will be ruined forever!"

Dannyl sat down in the dining room with a grin. It was so good to have enough space to store his chewing gum collection, not to mention Tayend's apparently endless hoard of feathered hats. _I wonder if they have chewing gum in Sachaka?_

Tayend somersaulted into the room, springing off a chair and landing upright on the table, doing jazz hands.

Dannyl frowned. "Are you alright? That was a very quiet entrance."

Tayend climbed off the table and sat down. "No. You've scraped the chewing gum off your desk. Are you having an affair?"

"What? No-"

"Just tell me!"

"No!"

"Well why didn't you say so?"

"Um..."

"You know today one of my friends told me a story all about these cocaine dealers-"

"You mean roet dealers, Tayend. You're not actually supposed to say the word cocaine, you've ruined the running joke now."

"Whatever. Anyway, these 'roet' dealers or merchants or something- some kind of poor people profession, I don't know about these things- well they were taking roet and then..." he suddenly looked up. "Oo, a pretty butterfly."

"I see."

"Why'd you go to the Guild today?"

"I-"

"Are you having an affair?"

"No-"

"_Just tell me!"_

"I'm going to become Ambassador in Sachaka."

"Oh. Hey, that sounds fun! Do they have hats in Sachaka?"

"I... don't know."

"Well, you'll need an assistant, which I'm assuming is me."

"Lorkin's going to be my assistant. Anyway, you can't come, it's too dangerous and-"

"OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D DO THIS TO ME IS THIS BECAUSE YOU'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR HOW DARE YOU WHAT'S LORKIN GOT THAT I HAVEN'T GOT I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO CUT UP ALL YOUR CLOTHES IS THIS BECAUSE I PUT ON WEIGHT YOU'RE SUCH A BASTARD OH MY GOD GOODBYE FOREVER I'M OFF TO SET FIRE TO THE HOUSE AND OH MY GOD!"

"I-"

"OH MY _GOD_!" Tayend reiterated, before smashing several plates and running out the room screaming.


	6. Prepreprepreparations

_(Our heroes prepare for their no doubt uneventful trip...)_

**Prepreprepreparations**

Cery looked up at the wall. "Remember the good old days when we were scum?"

"I do, yeah. Hey, apparently the lock on your hideout was picked by magic."

"I thought as much."

"How?"

"The blurb. Come on, let's go talk to the lock maker."

"This was a really pointless conversation."

"Agreed."

* * *

"Ah, Lord Dannyl, Lord Lorkin," Lord Maron smiled. "You know my former assistant, Lord Lorkin's Friend 1?"

"Of course," Dannyl nodded. "Glad you could meet with me, I was worried that I'd missed out on some important information by never reading _The Magician's Apprentice."_

Maron waved a hand. "Don't worry, none of us have read it! I doubt any of this information was in _The Magician's Apprentice_; they have slaves, use Black Magic, and apparently there's a secret mysterious organisation of women, but they're probably not real."

"Not real eh?"

"Oh, definitely not. Foreshadow. Foreshadow. Foreshadow."

"Did you just say 'foreshadow'?"

"Just a cough, I assure you. So yeah, mysterious, secret group of women. Foreshadow."

"Wait... a mysterious group of women?"

"Yeah."

Dannyl gulped. "Not... fangirls? Tell me it's not the fangirls!"

"Do you have some reason to be afraid of these 'fangirls'?"

"I... I... I won't be paired with Fergun again! I WON'T GO BACK IN THE DARK PLACE!" shrieked Dannyl, sobbing.

Lorkin patted him on the back. "No one's putting you in the dark place again, Dannyl."

A servant opened the door. "Excuse me, Lord Lorkin, Lord Rothen wants to speak to you."

"No! He's so boring!" cried Lorkin as he was dragged from the room.

"Lorkin, I'm very worried-"

"Well isn't that a shocker."

Rothen sighed. "Listen, Lorkin, going to Sachaka-"

"Will allow me to do something useful with my life and become a super special hero who'll go down in history forever!"

"Yes. But it's also very dangerous; the families of the Ichani your parents killed may seek revenge..."

Lorkin sighed. "Did mother send you to tell me this?"

"No, actually, she seems to think you're more at danger from fangirls."

"Ha, like I could be in danger from a mysterious group of women!"

"I know, it's ridiculous!"

"Poor mother, I do think she's losing it."

"Maybe it's the menopause."

"Mysterious women indeed."

"Insanity."

"Well... Seeya around Rothen."

"Bye! Wait... He didn't listen to my advice."

"That's coz no one does!" yelled Lorkin over his shoulder.

* * *

"Listen, Sonea." Regin relaxed on the piles of money which he habitually used instead of a chair. "I know that we didn't always get on so well-"

"You violently attacked me."

"I know. But we really need to-"

"You sexually harassed me."

"-work together for the greater good, and-"

"You made my life hell!"

"The good of the whole country is at stake, it really think we should forget this feud, and-"

"I'd rather die than forget this feud!"

"But the Houses are involved in organised crime and only we can expose them!"

"Feud! Feud! Feud!"

"Oh forget it. I'll just keep you posted on plot updates." Regin gathered up his money bags and left, bumping past Jonna as she came into the room.

"Hey Jonna, how's Ranek?"

"His name's Ranel."

"That's what I said."

"No you didn't."

"Do I _look_ like I actually care?"

Lorkin ran into the room, pushing Jonna out of a window in his haste. "Mummy! I want to go to Sachaka!"

"It's too dangerous."

"But Mummy, I _want_ to!" Lorkin stamped his foot.

"Well you can't. This is just like the time you wanted to have your pudding before your dinner."

"This is so unfair! You always ruin everything! I'm going to my room!"

"I thought you wanted to go to Sachaka?"

"...Going to room first, then to Sachaka! So there!"


	7. Yet Another Hearing

_(This one was strangely tricky, so sorry for the wait!)_

Yet Another Hearing

Magicians really like having Hearings. Every single time anything happens, the Guild had a hearing about it. Six Chapters in and it was already the second 'Hearing' scene. Even when it was something that no one should really care that much about, still magicians flooded to the Guildhall so they could all yell at each other and throw tomatoes.

"So." Dannyl grinned at Lorkin. "Ready to be in some slash?"

"...what?"

"Nothing."

"Riiiiight."

"So I'm guessing your mummy still says you can't come to Sachaka?"

"It's so unfair! I always have to fight for everything I want!"

"Like... what else, except this? Ever? What else have you ever had to fight for?"

"Um."

Osen threw a gong at Jerrik's head. "Let the Hearing begin!"

A couple of magicians whooped and jumped up and down in excitement. "Hearing! Hearing! Hearing!"

"Shut up! Sonea! You have one minute on your chosen subject! Go!"

Sonea stood up. "Sending Lorkin to Sachaka is _clearly_ only going to lead to trouble. I don't believe _anyone_ could have _ever_ imagined this was a believable course of events! And furthermore-"

"One minute's up!"

"That was not one minute!"

"Was!"

"Wasn't!"

"Maybe everyone should calm down..." Dannyl said.

Sonea glared at him.

Dannyl burst into tears.

* * *

"Sonea!" Regin smiled as he sipped from a cup made of pure gold. "I'm so glad you came. Remember I said-"

"Feud!"

"-that I was worry about organised crime, well apparently Lord Pendel's supporters want to _prove_ that the Houses are involved in organised crime with some kind of raid."

"I see... How important is this to the plot?"

"Um... it's not, really. Sort of a background thing, if anything."

"Background to the real plot?"

"Yeah."

"...what is the real plot of this book?"

"I dunno."

"Me either."

* * *

"Sonea's protest is overruled!" smirked Osen. "Everyone throw tomatoes at her!"

Sonea scowled as she was pelted with tomatoes.

"I'm going to make an idiot of myself in Sachaka!" squeaked Lorkin, clapping his hands excitedly. "Just like daddy!"

"DANNYL!" screeched Sonea, running towards him and wiping tomatoes out of her hair. "How dare you encourage my son to go running off to Sachaka! It could be dangerous! And he's an idiot! I mean, have you even met him? He can barely tie his own shoes!"

"AND you haven't mentioned Tayend since the last chapter!" screamed a passing fangirl.

Dannyl burst into tears.

"It'll be okay," grinned Lorkin. "Mummy can always come save me if I get into trouble!"

"No she can't, you twonk," said Dannyl, mopping his eyes. "She's can't leave the city, remember?"

"Oh. Then I'll just have to rely on you to save me!"

Dannyl burst into tears.


	8. A Journey V v v v v Tediously Begins

A Journey Very Very Very Very Very Tediously Begins

As Dannyl's carriage pulled up to the front of the University, Lorkin ran out to meet him, carrying only two clean pairs of underwear and a copy of _Playboy_.

_Ah, good. The young man packs light, _thought Dannyl. _I only brought one copy of _Zipper _myself._

"Ambassador Dannyl," smiled Sonea. "I hope you will join me in an incredibly boring conversation about suitcases."

"Indeed I will!" Dannyl laughed. "Mine are brown, although I sometimes get black."

"I prefer beige!" replied Sonea."Wow, this dialogue sure is swell!"

"It's just as snappy and humorous as it was in the first trilogy!" Dannyl agreed.

"If not _more_!"

"Bye mummy!" whooped Lorkin, climbing into the carriage beside Dannyl. "Boys on tour, right Dannyl? We're gonna meet sooooo many girls!"

"...yah. Girls."

"Bye Dannyl!" called Sonea. "If you let my son get hurt I'll put your unmentionables in a blender!"

"Bye Sonea! I'm terrified of you!"

"Bye Lorkin! Don't forget to change your underwear!"

"Bye mummy!"

"Bye Dannyl! I've come to terms with your sexuality!"

"Bye Rothen!"

"Bye Lorkin! I wish I had more lines!"

"I know you do Rothen! Bye!"

As the carriage left the city, Dannyl's mind drifted off to the department of backstory. Apparently some magicians were in trouble for smoking roet or something. Oh yeah, and Tayend had been refusing to talk to him since their argument. Or it was possible he'd superglued his lips together. It had happened before.

"Dannyl?"

"Yes Lorkin?"

"Can we stop for a bathroom break?"

"...I'm already regretting bringing you, kid."

* * *

Cery was in a brothel.

Many would argue that the less said about what he got up to in there, the better. But apparently not.

"I need information."

"As long as you don't want me to dress up as a slum girl magician again..."

"Shhhh! You promised you wouldn't tell!" Cery gasped. "Anyway, I need information."

"As you said."

"I need to find out who killed my wife and kids."

"Maybe it was the Thief Hunter. Or maybe it wasn't."

"Anything else?"

"I've heard the Thief Hunter uses magic."

"D'you have any concrete proof?"

"Heard if off a guy in a bar."

"What the hell kinda pointless information _is _this?"

The woman shrugged.

_I should probably warn Skellin about the Thief Hunter, _thought Cery. _Hm, perhaps a rival Thief hired the assassin. I know it can't have been Skellin though, because that would be so obvious it would probably cause some of the readers to have brain haemorrhages. _

_I'm glad I can trust Skellin so much. _And with that Cery skipped off happily, singing to himself.

* * *

"You two have been so so naughty!" yelled Osen, whacking Lorkin's Friend 2 and Lorkin's Friend 3 with Jerrik.

"We're sorry!" they wailed in unison.

"I should think so!" sniffed Osen, chucking Jerrik into the corner. "You were in a brothel!"

Everyone in the room gasped.

"But not with Cery!" added Osen, in case anyone was confused.

"Ohhhhh."

"Anyway! You were taking roet and playing cards and generally being bad people. Normally, the punishment would be severe, but I'm friends with both your fathers, so off you go!"

Sonea stopped them before they left. "Did Lorkin ever take roet?"

"Once," said Lorkin's Friend 2, twitching. "Can I go get some more roet now please?"

"Get out of my office!" Osen yelled, throwing a couple of biscuits to Jerrik.

_[I hope you enjoyed. In case anyone was wondering, 'Playboy' and 'Zipper' are both adult magazines. Oh and I don't own the rights to their trademarks. I kinda wish I did own Zipper, but I don't. ;) ]_


	9. Broken Traffic Signs

_(Mmm... I have cookies.)_

Broken Traffic Signs

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we-"

"NO LORKIN!"

"Alright, no need to get snappy..."

Dannyl sighed.

Lorkin didn't understand why Dannyl was being so moody. They'd had great fun on the journey; Lorkin had made Dannyl tell him all his travelling stories a hundred times, they'd memorised all the names of Sachakan politicians, played endless games of I spy ('I spy something beginning with C.' 'Carriage?' 'Right again.'), and Lorkin has listed the top 1001 most beautiful women he'd ever seen. And yet for some reason Dannyl didn't seem very cheerful.

_Lucky I've got this blood ring mummy gave me, _thought Lorkin. _That way if Dannyl keeps being boring I'll have someone else to tell about all the women I see._

The carriage came to a stop and they both climbed out, looking up at the brightly coloured Inn in front of them.

"Welcome, my lords, to Lord Fergun's Massage Parlour," said a servant, stepping out of the doorway.

"Lord Fergun? Wait... he's not alive, is he?" Dannyl looked frightened.

"No, my lord."

"Oh... Okay then. And... Massage Parlour?"

"Oh yes, my lord." The servant smirked. "Your beds served with a smile, my lords."

"Sometimes I wonder why Osen books us into these places..." muttered Dannyl as they were led inside. "This is the third 'massage parlour' we've stopped at."

"I _like_ the massage parlours," grinned Lorkin as he sat down and oogled the serving girl. She was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen.

"You would... hey!" Dannyl clipped him round the ear. "Stop flirting with prostitutes!"

Lorkin pouted. Dannyl had said that at _every _Inn they'd stopped at.

* * *

"Hurry up Gol," said Cery as he stomped down the tunnel. "Or I'll have you demoted back to faceless henchman character in a flash!"

"I still am," grumbled Gol. "I've barely had any lines since the book started."

"Sorry, sorry. You can have more lines in this bit if you like."

"Great! So I was thinking we could lay a trap for the Thief Hunter to prove he's got magic then we could tell Sonea and she can get the Magician's Guild to capture him-"

"Wait a minute Gol, I just had a fantastic idea!"

"Yeah?"

"So I was thinking we could lay a trap for the Thief Hunter to prove he's got magic then we could tell Sonea and she can get the Magician's Guild to capture him!"

Gol sighed. "Yeah Cery. Great idea."

* * *

"We're here!"

"In Sachaka? You mean this boring journey has ended already?"

"Oh goodness no!" Dannyl laughed. "We're at the fort at the edge of Kyralia!"

"So... we're not 'here' at all?"

"Shut up."

"Wanna play I spy again?"

"Really, no."

A magician rushed forwards and hugged them both as they got out of the carriage. "Hi hi hi! I'm Watcher Orton!"

"Um... hi..."

"Sorry if I'm a little excited, but I haven't seen other human beings for over six months! I made friends with a pachi tree! Oh oh do you want to look around the fort? D'you wanna stay the night? We could have a camp fire, and a sing a long, and tell ghost stories, and do each other's hair and-"

"_Unfortunately_," Dannyl said firmly, disentangling himself from the hug, "we have to leave very soon."

Orton's face fell. "Oh... Well, I guess we could just fill in some back story then."

Dannyl patted his hand. "I think that would be best."

Once they had finished filling in the backstory about the Ichani attacking the fort and the Sachakan wasteland being mysteriously created, it was time for Dannyl and Lorkin to leave.

"Dannyl, are we in Sachaka _now_?"

"Sure."

"This wasteland sure is bad."

"Sure."

"And probably important to the plot."

"Sure."

"Maybe we'll find out how it was created."

"Sure."

"But we should keep it a secret, right Dannyl?

Dannyl sighed, and turned up the music on his iPod. "Sure."


	10. Seeking Plotline

Seeking Plotline

"I f**king love Hearings," sighed Osen, leaning back in his chair.

Sonea gave him a funny look. "How'd you do that?"

"Do what?"

"That thing you just did there."

"What?"

"That kinda 'starstar' sound you made with your tongue."

"What? F**k?"

"Yeah, that."

"That's my best kept secret. You shall never know! And THE HEARING IS NOW IN SESSION." Osen chucked Jerrik at the gong to call for silence. "Today's hearing topic is this; should we, a group of some of the cleverest and most powerful adults in the country, punish this young, malnourished boy for trying to stop his brothers and sisters dying of starvation?"

"Probably!" yelled a voice from the back of the room.

"Punish the outsider! Punish the outsider!"

"He stole my wallet!"

"He smells weird!"

"He stole my couch!"

"He looks like a bean!"

"He stole my holiday spirit!"

"He raped my wife!"

"You don't have a wife!"

"But if I did? Then what would he have done?"

"Oooooooooo, good point," chorused the Magicians.

"Stop the madness!" screamed Sonea, taking a heroic stance in the middle of the room. "This boy is no criminal. Sure, he may be poor. Sure, he might look a bit like a bean and have copulated with a fictional married woman. But really, who hasn't?"

The group of magicians all started nodding and patting each other on the back.

"She makes a good argument."

"She's always so morally just."

"I'm glad Sonea's here, or the Guild would surely start eating innocent babies within seconds!"

"I don't know how we ever managed without her!"

Sonea sat back and took a victory sip of her sumi. Just another day in the life of the kindest and most generous and best person in the guild.

Lorkin had been rolling in the dust for several hours now, and was starting to think maybe he should have a bath. Or more dust. Either would be fine.

"Get out of there," sighed Dannyl, grabbing Lorkin by the collar and pulling him back into the carriage. "We're almost at Ashaki Tariko's house."

"Ashaki whonow?"

"Believe me when I tell you his name really doesn't matter very much."

"Okay. Wow, look at all those white walls!"

"Yes. Impressive. White walls in a desert."

"You've lost all your joy in life since you got old."

The carriage came to a halt outside Ashaki Tariko's house and a slave promptly threw himself face first on the floor.

"Take me to your leader," commanded Dannyl. "And uh... put some ice on your nose, I think you broke it on the floor."

The slave led them inside to where they met Ashaki Tariko. He was an unimportant character with an unimportant height, age, and skin colour, wearing an unimportant jacket with unimportant stitch work that matched his unimportant trousers.

"Hello, Ambassador Dannyl and Lord Lorkin. It's a pleasure to finally meet you."

"And you, Ashaki Tariko. I'm afraid one of your slaves appears to have broken his nose greeting us."

"Oh, him?" Tariko laughed. "He's always doing that. Don't worry, he can't feel it, he's made of rubber!"

"...are you sure?"

"Yes yes. Sometimes I kill a couple of slaves a day just for fun! Fancy a vindaloo?"

"Um... yeah?"

"We've got korma too! And naan! Peshwari naan!"

Lorkin looked sidelong at Dannyl. "Have you ever noticed how all the non-white races in this world seem barbaric or stupid? Or sometimes both?"

Dannyl kicked him. "This is a light hearted parody, not a sociological literary evaluation!"

"Sorry."

"You'd better be."

After that they ate many spicy foods, using the slaves as tables. For some reason he couldn't quite put his finger on, Lorkin found this slightly uncomfortable.

"So, Tariko," said Dannyl, tucking into a microwave curry, "you know that huge wasteland that ruins your crops and will eventually consume your country?"

"I know of it, yes."

"Anyone ever tried to do something about that?"

Tariko raised his eyebrows at Dannyl. "No. Because we're really so stupid we never thought of that before."

"Oh, really? Because-"

Tariko sighed. "Sarcasm, Ambassador Dannyl. I think it's time for you to go to bed. Sexy young slave girls, show them to their rooms."

Lorkin's expression brightened.

Dannyl's did not.

Cery hid in his cleverly designed secret hiding place while the workmen completed the work on his new hideout, the trap for the thief hunter. Thank goodness he was so clever, because Gol would never have had so many good ideas.

"The lock maker kept saying that if magic had been used, maybe Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are real too," Gol whispered to him.

"A rational deduction."

"Yeah. Do you really think the thief hunter will be lured here?"

"Sure. I'm a master of cleverness and... hey! How did you find where I was hiding to watch the workmen?"

Gol sighed. "You put a blanket over your head, Cery, it's not too hard to find you."

"...oh."

"Maybe you should ask Sonea about the rogue?"

"I don't want to risk meeting her again until I have concrete proof."

"It wouldn't be a huge risk, you could go to a hospice, or leave her a note and-"

"Shut up Gol. I have the ideas around here."

"But-"

"Shut UP."

"Sorry."


	11. Apparently, There's A New Challenge

Apparently, There's A New Challenge In this One It Must Be In There Somewhere

I'm Sure It's There

It'll Show Up

Maybe It Got Lost In The Post

"The former Guild Ambassador to Sachaka had told Dannyl that no walls surrounded Arvice."

"O...kay."

"No defensive walls, that was."

"Right."

"There were plenty of boundary walls in Sachaka."

"Yeah, I can see that."

"Taller than a man, or so low they might be stepped over, and always rendered and painted white, they marked the boundaries of property."

"Dannyl."

"Yeah?"

"You're narrating again."

"Oh. Sorry." He often found himself narrating on long journeys, a bad habit which he thought-

"You're doing it again, aren't you? In your head!"

"...No."

"You are! And stop referring to yourself in the third person, it's creepy!"

"_You're_ creepy," pouted Dannyl. "And I _like_ narrating."

He looked out of the window and noticed the slaves around them were trying to borrow under the earth to avoid them. _I wonder if that's normal._

"We're at the Guild House!" crowed Lorkin "No more boring travelling around for me in this book!"

"Don't speak too soon," murmured Dannyl, climbing out of the carriage.

Dannyl had been hoping to light some scented candles and have a bath when he got in, and was surprised to find about twenty men in the living room, putting their shoes up on the sofa and leaving their coats everywhere.

One of the men stood up and leered at him. "Why _hello _there Ambassador Dannyl. I'm _so_ pleased to finally... _meet_ you."

"Hi."

"I'm Ashaki Achati. I'm sure we'll become friendly." He winked. "Very... _friendly_."

"Sure we will," agreed Dannyl happily. The people in Sachaka were just as friendly as the people in Elyne had been!

"So..." Achati put his hand on Dannyl's arm. "Anything you want to... _do_... while you're here?"

"Well I really like history," said Dannyl brightly.

"Oh."

"It's really fascinating."

"I'll get you some books or something I guess. So. These are all the important people in the country."

"Hello, all the important people in the country."

"Hello, Ambassador Dannyl," chorused the room. "Hello, Lord Lorkin."

_This is starting to feel a bit like those Alcoholics Anonymous meetings I took Tayend too,_ Dannyl thought.

* * *

Sonea strolled down the walkway to the hospice, surrounded by burly bouncers who shoved the poor and grovelling back.

"Queuing! Queuing is important!" bellowed the bouncers, picking up bunches of poor people and throwing them to the back. "Pushing is the worst crime on earth!"

Sonea smiled as she entered; glad they'd hired British bouncers. They were the only people on earth who treated queue jumpers with more contempt than mass murderers.

"Stat!"

"Clear!"

"Fifty pints of cross match!"

"Adrenaline!"

"Hello there, various healer characters," said Sonea. "Black Magician Sonea is here now, so everyone can stop panicking and dying."

"Clear!"

"Organs!"

"Stat?"

"That's right, I have come here to replace Healer Draven." Sonea smiled at them and went to her room, while they continued shouting important healing phrases.

"Clear!"

"Dammit nurse!"

"We need FBCs, U&Es, and LFT!"

"Stat!"

"Blood pressure!"

"STAT!"

Sonea closed the door to her office and sat down at her desk. After a while her first patient wondered in.

"Heyyyyy, Black Magician Sonea... You, like, totally healed my roet addiction but now it's, like, totally back. I still crave the high, maaaaaaan."

"Really? This is definitely a New Challenge."

"It's all in the miiiiiiiiiind, dude..."

"Hmm... So maybe even magicians could become addicted..."

"That's, like, totally heavy..."

"Get out of here you drug crazed poor person, I have to think."

"Groovy..."

* * *

Dannyl had tried yawning, pointing to clocks, and eventually turning the lights on and off to get all the Ashaki to leave. The last one had left only after Lorkin had pretending to be seized with a sudden attack of Grabbing Him And Pushing Him Out The Door.

Dannyl grinned at Lorkin. _Now that we're alone at night, there's bound to be some slash fic..._

Lorkin gulped. "I'm gonna go to my room now. With this woman. This woman who I think is sexy. Look at her eyes. They're, like, dark, and stuff."

He fled to his room, dragging the slave woman with him.

It was only once they were inside Lorkin realised she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She had huge dark eyes darker than the darkest dark that darkly stared darkly at him.

"What's your name?"

"Tyvara," she replied in her amazingly darkly beautiful dark voice.

"Cool." He lay down on the bed, stroking the covers invitingly. "So... Tyvara." He winked. "What are your duties?"

She smiled the most dark, attractive, dark smile that did not reach her beautifully darkly melodiously darkly dark eyes, and made to get into bed with him.

Lorkin jumped up, disgusted. "Wait... you thought I was talking about _sex_? What the hell is wrong with you people? How the hell do you get by with such smutty, disgusting mind?"

She blinked her beautiful dark eyes in beautiful dark surprise, and stepped back beautifully.

"Go on, get outta here, and wash out your mind young lady!"

Darkly, she turned her beautiful dark eyes (and the rest of her beautiful dark body) to the door and left darkly.

After she was gone, Lorkin sighed in disbelief. Could the Sachakans really be so dirty minded? Even the beautifully dark Tyvara, with her eyes like huge dark pools of dark black water covered in beautiful dark gem stones and darkly mysteriously beautiful shades of dark darkness.

Clearly, he had a lot to learn. He was going to have to sleep with- _befriend_ her and her eyes of beauteously beauty so dark and beautiful like dark dark beautiful coffee or a beautiful mysterious dark moonless night of dark beautifulness.

_(The word dark just lost all meaning to me.)_


	12. Tantalising Toenails

_(I know this has taken me ages... sorry!)_

Tantalising Toenails

Alone in the new hideout, Cery clipped his toenails.

It was times when he was alone like this that he took the time to think, to really get to the bottom of all the biggest problems in life. How could he catch the Thief Hunter? How could he help Sonea? Why were there no suspects except Skellin? When would Gol get here with the takeaway?

The secret alarm shocked him out of his thoughts and he jumped up into a kung fu style position, arms raised.

"I got the sweet and sour chicken, but they didn't have any spring rolls so I just got the... prawn... crackers... instead... _why_ are you standing that way?"

"Sorry Gol." Cery sat back down. "I was trying to be on my guard."

"Right."

"Fancy a glass of wine?"

"It's nine in the morning. This isn't Elyne, you know. And you don't even like wine."

"I know." Cery poured two glasses. "But I'm still drinking it for some reason."

"Bizarre."

"What did you get up to today?"

"It's only nine, I haven't really had a chance to-"

"I assume you put our brilliant plan into action to try and lure the thief hunter here to kill me?"

"Yeah. I've still got some qualms about this brilliant trap of yours, Cery."

"Yeah?"

"Well, in what way this is trap? Are you not, in fact, just waiting in a hideout built _expressly_ so a rogue magician who clearly wants to destroy you could break in, without any actual idea of what you do when they do break in? I mean, sure we could tell the Guild, but there's no way we can be certain they'd be here when the hunter arrives and-"

Cery smiled and chuckled at the praise. Gol was right, this_ was_ a brilliant and foolproof plan. And yet, it would take a long time. Perhaps there was a way he could lure the thief hunter to show he was magical _without_ having to sit in a hole for months.

"Gol! I have just had a cunning plan!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. Forget this hideout you spent weeks designing and planning. Instead, we're gonna lure the thief hunter to show himself with the promise of books on magic."

"So just... forget this hideout?"

"Yeah."

"This has been a total waste of time?"

"Kinda."

"After all that time and effort I put into it?"

"Yeah. Get me some copies of magic books made."

"Okay, but it'll take time and-"

"I don't care. Do it quickly!"

"...sometimes I hate being a main character."

* * *

Dannyl finished his meal happily. He was starting to like Sachakan cooking. It was really rather nice once you got over the fact it was so salty and bitter every mouthful made you want to vomit.

"So, what shall we do now?" asked Ashaki Itoki, the guy whose house this was, or something. "My slaves are trained in the art of massage." He winked pointedly at Dannyl and Achati.

Dannyl wondered why Itoki's eye was twitching like that.

"I _think_," said Achati, looking warily at the scantily clad women around them, "we should go look at some history instead."

"I haven't ever met a man who would turn down a beautiful woman to learn about history..."

"Really?" Dannyl looked surprised. "I meet them all the time!"

In the library, Itoki unrolled some maps and after making a huge fuss about weighing down the corners which inexplicably lasted several paragraphs, Dannyl gazed down at the beautifully drawn maps.

"Gosh, look at the contour lines. And the nice colours."

"Blue is for the rivers."

"Indeed, indeed. What part of Sachaka is this of?"

"Doesn't really matter, does it?"

"Not really, no."

"Didn't think so."

Itoki put the maps away again.

A dust ball rolled by.

"What kind of history are you interested in?" asked Itoki.

"Oh, you know... stuff. There are some gaps in Guild history I've been trying to fill."

"I don't have anything about that. Oh, except this huge collection of rare and valuable letters from when Kyralia ruled Sachaka, one of which confirms Imardin wasn't destroyed in the Sachakan War."

"It wasn't?"

"No no. In fact, the battle took place outside the gates, and-"

"Just read _The Magician's Apprentice_!" screamed a passing fan, tearing at his hair. "Just bloody read it!"

* * *

"I've arranged a room for us to chat about your roet concerns, Sonea," said Healer Nikea, dragging Sonea through the hospice.

"Great. A secret room, right?"

"Oh yes, secret. Just me, you, a couple of healers, everyone else who works here, their families, their friends, their families' friends, and their pets."

"Oh. Great."

"All your suspicions are right!" everyone started yelling the moment Sonea came into the room. "Please, please save us from the evils of corruption and evil!"

"Woof!" added someone's pet dog.

"I will, don't worry," chuckled Sonea, sitting down. "But do you have anything to substantiate your claims the Guild is rife with evil?"

"I heard my brother's best friend's sister's mother's son's grandpa's cousin's friend was addicted to roet, and he can't stop taking it."

"That is the general idea of an addiction..."

"My cousin's husband's best friend's shoe shiner's son is involved in organised crime even though he's a magician!"

Sonea gasped. "And if we got rid of the rule about magicians associating with people of low repute, would more become involved in organised crime?"

"Well, yeah."

"No."

"Maybe."

"I dunno."

"Woof."

Sonea sighed. Saving the Guild and the world was going to be more than the weekend project she had originally planned for.


	13. Stonkingly Fascinating Discoveries

_I know. I know. Since I last published a chapter, all my original readers have settled down, got married, had children, had grandchildren, died, and hopefully been resurrected in time to read this. I promise I have good reasons for being so lazy, but I won't bore you with them._

_Enjoy (I hope)!_

Stonkingly Fascinating Discoveries

Lorkin stepped into Ashaki Itoki's library, ready for a day of information gathering which would be truly fascinating and in no way even slightly incredibly boring and monotonous.

"Welcome Lord Lorkin," smiled Ashaki Itoki. "You'll find the boring books about housing records on your right, and the one semi-interesting scrap of information on your left. Do make sure to start on the right."

"Of course I will!"

Once Ashaki Itoki had left, Lorkin looked around the room. "Could you get me a chair, slave?"

"No. It is customary for slaves to be used as chairs."

"Oh. Well. Let's do that then."

The slave obligingly curled up on the floor and Lorkin took a seat on him. After settling down into a soft spot between the slave's ribs and hip bone, Lorkin found this was actually quite comfortable. _I must remember to suggest this when I get back home to the Guild._

After slowly working his way through the entire pile on the right, Lorkin finally got around to the scrap of paper on the left.

_The Storestone is missing. I have checked down the back of the sofa and under the bed and it is nowhere to be found. Lord Narvelan is also missing and he is not in any of those places either. Many are starting to suspect he has stolen it despite knowing it is the secret to our control over the Sachakans. Bugger._

The blank pages after the entry were covered in questions. Mainly questions such as _Should I have soup tonight? Could I ask Tyvara on a date? Does Dannyl really think my hairstyle is silly?_

But even if Lorkin hadn't been using the blank pages to note down his own questions, they would still have been covered in other questions. _Metaphorical _questions. That's a technique writers sometimes use in books.

Two things were certain. One, Lorkin had rediscovered an old kind of magic that would make him a super special awesome hero who would go down in history forever. And two, this would all be so much simpler if he had read _The Magician's Apprentice._

_

* * *

_

"So, you can sell me books on magic, huh?"

"Ha! That's a crime that would get me sent to prison for a long time. I'm not gonna be so foolish as to reveal it to you."

"But do you, though?"

"Well... Yeah."

"How d'you know which are real?"

"Spent a couple of years working in the Guild."

"Why'd you leave a job like that?"

"Didn't like taking orders. Better Makkin my fortune than Makkin someone's dinner!"

"'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I don't get it."

"My name's Makkin."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"So can you tell me if you get some books on magic?"

"Sure."

* * *

It was late at night when Dannyl finally got down to reading the notes Lorkin had made from Ashaki Itoki's library. After ploughing through a series of poems Lorkin had written about soup and endless doodles of Lorkin kissing Tyvara, he finally came to the notes about the Storestone.

_Hmm. Perhaps this Storestone is important. Then again, perhaps it isn't. Gosh, all this thinking makes me thirsty._

"Get me a glass of water!" he called to the slave at the end of a corridor. A couple of minutes later, a young boy returned carrying a glass of water.

"Thanks."

"Do you require company in bed tonight, my lord?"

"...I'm sorry, what?"

"Company in bed, my lord."

"You're... a ten year old boy."

"Yes."

"It would appear that there is very little amusing to be said about this set of circumstances."

"Mm."

"A very difficult situation to parody, this would be."

The boy nodded.

"I do, however, have one question. At what point, in this culture, or in any other culture, at any point, did 'I want a glass of water' turn into 'excuse me my good man, but could you possibly fetch me an underage sexual partner, as I do appear have become an absolutely massive homosexual paedophile'?"

The boy shrugged and left.

That night Dannyl dreamed he was arguing with Tayend about sleeping with handsome male slaves. Then Tayend turned into a trout and Dannyl dreamed he was being chased through the fish kingdom by the evil squid lord who had taken his trousers and made him go to school in just his knickers.

Thus is the nature of dreams.


	14. It's a TRAAAAAP

_Seriously, I know these take me too long. I've got such a lot of Uni work on right now!_

It's a TRAAAAP

As she stepped out of the carriage before the door of Regin's fifty storey gold mansion, Sonea took a moment to spit repeatedly onto his doorstep. She remembered being tormented as a novice by Regin and his friends. Then she remembered how he'd risked certain death to defeat an Ichani. Then she remembered that she'd left the oven on, and hoped Rothen hadn't crawled inside it in hope of a warm place to spend the winter.

Despite promising to make it up to her and sending her a heartfelt 'I'm sorry for bullying you for being poor and thank you for saving us all from evil black magicians hell bent on destroying our society and way of life' card (made on ), Regin hadn't really made it up to her yet. Probably partially because he'd been forced to marry a woman called Winifred or Winona Ryder or something like that.

Down the end of the road, one street gang performed a brutal drive by on the other, killing several people.

_I'm probably just imagining that there's organised crime around here, _Sonea told herself, and knocked on Regin's door.

It was opened by a slim, sour faced servant with an unexpectedly deep voice who liked to play golf at the weekends and had an awful lot of description for a character we shall never see again.

"Black Magician Sonea," he boomed. "Do come in."

"Sonea!" yelled Regin's wife as she entered the room. "I'm so pleased to meet you!"

"Um," said Sonea.

"It's such an honour!" she enveloped Sonea in a massive hug.

"This is Wynina, my wife," said Regin sadly.

"Nice to meet you, Winnie," said Sonea, once she'd been released.

"Oh the pleasure is all mine!" insisted Wendy, beaming. "I'll leave you two to discuss important matters!"

"Wilhelmina is quite intimidated by you," said Regin, once she'd left.

"Really?" Sonea looked after Wanda. "She didn't seem it."

"That's because she's annoying and I hate her. Did you have something specific to discuss?"

"Um... yeah, something about Magicians and criminals and all that jazz..."

"They shouldn't associate?"

"Yeeeeah. Except sometimes. Sometimes they can."

"I agree."

"Good."

"Good."

"Yeah it is good."

"Yeah it is."

"Good."

"Good."

"This is a bit awkward."

"Yeah."

"Should I just go?"

"I think that would be best."

* * *

After Dannyl had left for some serious evening studying of _Zipper, _Lorkin returned to his rooms. Except that time when he got to go to Ashaki Itoki's house, Lorkin had spent all of the rest of his time in the Guild House. There wasn't much to do in his role and every time he tried to help Dannyl, the Ambassador screamed 'Leave me alone' and ran away. He was starting to think this position wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

He'd tried talking to the slaves, but for some reason they seemed somewhat submissive and timid. He hadn't quite worked out why yet. They must have loads of time for chatting in between the beatings.

He had a feeling Tyvara would be more receptive to his questioning. Or at least he could stare down her top. Either would work.

"Get some wine," he said. He found women liked to talk to him more when they were drunk.

She did, in a beautiful graceful dark mysterious way.

"Pour two glasses of wine."

She did, in a beautiful graceful dark mysterious way.

"One's for you. Drink it."

She did, in a beautiful graceful dark mysterious way, and then spat it out exotically darkly attractively.

"You don't like wine?"

She shrugged sexily, and beautifully gracefully darkly mysteriously struggled to swallow another mouthful.

"You don't have to drink it then. God, why do you guys always just do everything you're told? It's so annoying!"

She just stared at him.

"Anyway, I have some questions. How should I talk to the slaves?"

She shrugged.

"Should I be polite?"

She shrugged.

"Should I yell?"

She shrugged.

"Tell me something?"

"You don't need to say thank you," she said, in a husky melodic sexy beautiful dark amazing perfect voice.

_Wow, if she wasn't a slave I'd fine her attractive. As it is, I'm lucky I'm so strong minded I'm immune to her charms, _thought Lorkin, as he drooled over her.

"Anything else me and Dannyl need to do?"

She shrugged in a beautiful attractive mysterious lovely manner. "You should take the slaves to bed. Or at least buy them dinner."

_If only she would look at me. To look at me with her beautiful sexy amazing dark beautiful eyes and go to bed with me would be..._

He realised Tyvara was staring at him. "Oh, sorry. I wasn't listening. I was thinking about how much I wanted to sleep with you."

"I just said, you need sleep with a me to keep status."

"Oh. No! That would be horrible!"

"...thanks."

"Hey, I'm full of integrity and perfection. How about we chat instead?"

"Okay."

"Right. Where were you born?"

As she told him the horrific story of her birth in a slave breeding house, he felt the badness of her story mitigated by the fact that she was really really really really sexually attractive.

* * *

Cery slumped on the roof, from which he and Gol were watching the pawnshop.

"I'm bored... When is the Thief Hunter gonna come?... Do you have any snacks?"

Gol sighed. "I don't know Cery."

"Mmrrrrrrnnnnnn. The Thief Hunter might not even come!"

"Okay. Shh and stop fidgeting. All we can do is wait and hope he arrives."

"I wish Savara was here..."

"Why on earth would you feel the need to bring up that beautiful and mysterious Sachakan woman from that mysterious organisation who you met at the time of the Ichani invasion who couldn't possibly have anything to do with these events nor any other events that may be happening at the same time as these?"

Cery shrugged. "I'm just trying to make conversation. Oh look! Something's happening over there!"

Makkin the hilarious-pun-maker was coming up the stairs in the pawnshop with a foreign woman with a strange foreign skin tone.

"Is this it?" she asked in a strange foreign accent, gesturing to the book on magic.

"Yes, but it's locked, and someone else took the key..."

"You're lying!"

"I'm not! Argh oh god please don't kill me with your magical powers!"

Something about his manner was making Cery suspect that she might possibly be the rogue magician.

He watched as she opened the box with magic.

_Yes, there is a definite chance she might be a magician_.

She said something in a foreign language.

_Wait a minute, she's foreign! That would explain her accent and skin tone and obvious foreigness. But it's not any language or race I recognise. Hm. Who else do I know in the whole world who is also very obviously foreign and from somewhere no one has ever heard of and involved in this Thief Hunter thing?_

No matter how hard he thought, Cery couldn't think of anyone. Maybe he should tell incredibly trustworthy Skellin about this. Being foreign and from somewhere no one has ever heard of and involved in this Thief Hunter thing, Skellin would probably be able to find the key to this mystery. Cery couldn't quite put his finger on it.


End file.
